Today is Monday
Hello, dear diary. I know it’s been a long time. You know the last time I shared my joy with you. I talked about a new home and the person I love. Not long after 3 months, I am in the same place again. I can’t say our relationship is over with Harun. But I think he was going to move to a new house and we wouldn’t be in the same city. When he packed the things in boxes, why lie, my heart was in my throat for a moment. I was even a little spoiled, I teased him. I think it irritated him.
Silent Departure
He didn’t say anything about my silent departure. Normally, when I sulked, he would somehow make it up to me. I was eager to help her pack her things, but this time she was the one sulking. Anyway, I have friends with me, I told you about them, I sort of spend time with them now. You know, old friends are good at times like this, as those who know them. Some of them got old, some of them even got injured in accidents, some of them got married.
I got married too, as a matter of fact. But I used to believe that those who packed their bags during breakups would just leave. I’ve also developed an itch now because of the stress. No, and shouldn’t my friends look at me strangely? I had come back so cool that they were right, of course.
I asked Sedef sister, our assistant, if Harun had called today. She stroked my hair like a child. I narrowed my eyes and became docile, as if the world was in his hands. I’ve always disliked the sound of iron doors.There was such a door in the house where Harun and I stayed.Somehow I got angry and shouted one day and the neighbors were disturbed, which put Harun in a difficult situation. I laugh now, but I still wonder if that could be the reason. But I saw with my own eyes that he was moving out. As if any excuse will do me good. My eyelids are also getting heavier, I think I’ll sleep without music tonight.
..Tuesday
Dear Diary. I don’t know when writing was invented, but this form of expression suits me perfectly. I can tell you everything, the sorrow, the silence, the secret. Harun, Sedef sister, my friends here already understood me. Before I fell asleep at night, I remembered my last trip with Harun in his car. I’ll never forget that when we went fishing together, I was flattered that he didn’t answer his friends’ insistent calls and ditched them all. I always had the front seat. Sometimes he would scold me for distracting him.
Almost every week, my friend, who used to come with nets, would show up with a newspaper in his hand. Whenever I tried to reach out and take the newspaper, he would snarl at me. I also thought I was a burden on him, so I even got up from the table without being full, even though he never skimped on my meals. I couldn’t get used to him walking around with such a sour face even though he always called me sullen. 3 months doesn’t mean much to some people. But it was not like that for me. I mean, my 3 months there were as valuable as my 1 day here.
In My Dreams
Hi again Diary. Let me tell you a bit about the time we spent with Harun. He was always asking me about the movies he was going to see. Sometimes he was so engrossed in the movie that he didn’t even see the popcorn I spilled on the floor. Of course, I would push the popcorn away with my feet where he couldn’t see it. Could that be the reason?
Here I have time to think about many things that I think we enjoyed together. Was there another partner instead of me? But I have to admit, sometimes he was a coward. In the dark of the night, he almost gave the money in his pocket to the young men who came up to us in the alley. I think he thought I didn’t understand his vulnerability. Will he ever find someone as brave as me? I don’t think so.
My bed is not very comfortable. -My friends say you’ll get used to everything. That’s actually why I don’t talk to them. Dry consolation is not something I want to hear right now. It’s not like we understand each other. This morning I went for a walk with my friends and the heat helped my back pain. As my friends went ahead, I took one last look at the path that brought me to my old house.
A Diary that can Be Read in My Eyes
The tire tracks of Harun’s car were gone. It crossed my mind to follow those tracks for a while. But I knew in my heart that this was not going to be a shelter visit anyway. If I shouted, there would be no neighbors to disturb me. When the bolt of the shelter opened, I would only look at those who saw me off with excitement as if I had committed a crime. I know I won’t ask why every time, there are too many stories like this here. We wanted to find love, not a new owner. Most of my shelter friends don’t know what home life is like.
Ordinary Days Without Him..
The food doesn’t change much, sometimes we even have to eat less than we should. And what would we have done without these benefactors? If I was in my right mind right now, I would eat Harun’s food until I burst. Maybe it was expensive, but it was worth it to sleep like a sloth after dinner. I stubbornly refrained from crying, hoping I’d blame it on myself, but in the end, I was convinced I couldn’t.
The sound of brakes will probably be enough to excite me for a few more days. After that, it’s just oblivion and talking to the sky in the middle of the night. Abandoned to shelter life, then the unknown. It’s ridiculous how simple it all is. Behind this makeshift shelter and the trees surrounding it, life exists and flows. And Harun is out there somewhere…
Thank You Diary
I liken Sedef sister’s calculating attitude to the days when my anxiety began. And the gem in this diary that I wanted to say but couldn’t. I have to go, dear diary, everyone is asleep.
[Loving, being rejected, disappearing in an instant. An unrequited love never knows excuses. It only feels and waits. Though silent and mute, abandonment causes the same pain to every living thing. And this pain comes from a love that the abandoner hopes to deserve one day…]